JOKE PAGE!!!

[Yves]

And what the duck is passiv agressive disorder - some kind of sickness ?

don't know, but it its so difficult to say that it has to be something verry bad

[K-Nine]

... And what the duck is passiv agressive disorder - some kind of sickness ?

 

According to the DSM IV, the essential symptoms are a continuous pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations. This behavior usually begins in early adulthood. However it is also seen in childhood. These individuals frequently resent and resist demands to function at a level expected by others. It is commonly seen in the workplace, but also commonly seen in marriages and other relationships. The behavior is expressed by procrastination, forgetfulness, stubbornness, and intentional inefficiency 8O

[Yves]

According to the DSM IV, the essential symptoms are a continuous pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations. This behavior usually begins in early adulthood. However it is also seen in childhood. These individuals frequently resent and resist demands to function at a level expected by others. It is commonly seen in the workplace, but also commonly seen in marriages and other relationships. The behavior is expressed by procrastination, forgetfulness, stubbornness, and intentional inefficiency 8O

 

this is verry difficult to say even when you're not drunk!! 8O

[Haytech]

this is verry difficult to say even when you're not drunk!!

 

Thats exactly my point.

 

Here in good ol germany we would say somone goes crazy or simply is a Punch.

[K-Nine]

A married couple are driving along a Motorway doing a steady 50 mph.

 

The husband looks across at his wife and speaks in a clear voice.

 

"Darling, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce".

 

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.

 

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

 

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.

 

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

 

She takes the speed up to 65.

 

"I want the car too," he continues and the wife takes the car up to 70 mph.

 

"And, I'll have all the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the dog."

 

The car speeds up again and starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

 

This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want ?"

 

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice, "No, I've got everything I need."

 

"Oh, really ?" he enquires, "So what have you got ?"

 

Just before they slam into the bridge at around 80 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles and says:

:

:

:

:

:

:

"The airbag !"

[Haytech]

Uhh Ohh - don´t tell your wife that you want get divorced without a Airbag

 

Last month on fair ...

 

another one ... for the internet junkies between us

 

Women are like web- servers

[*]400 Bad Request question without flowers

[*]401 Unauthorized merried

[*]402 Payment Required candlelight diner required

[*]403 Forbidden hands off

[*]404 Not Found she´s out with her girlfriends

[*]405 Method Not Allowed not the duck

[*]406 Method Not Acceptable even no blown

[*]407 Proxy Auth. Required have to ask my mother

[*]408 Request Timeout when was your last call ?

[*]409 Conflict who was this girl ?

[*]410 Document Removed want devorce

[*]411 Lenght Required that´s a big one ?

[*]412 Precondition Failed without condom ?

[*]413 Request Entity Too Large that dosn´t fit there ...

[*]415 Unsupported Media Type that´s not a car ...

[*]500 Internal Server Error I menstruate

[*]501 Not Implemented that I haven´t done before

[*]502 Bad Gateway I don´t like coffee

[*]503 Service Unavailable headache

[*]504 Gateway Timeout ready yet ?

[Yves]

 

love this one

[sp]

wot's the last thing to enter a fly's brain as it hits a car windscreen?

...

 

 

 

its duck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sp

[Haytech]

One day, God is looking around the earth and comes across a Sound Engineer working. The Sound Engineer is holding a microphone and going "1,2,1,2,1,2" God thinks; "that can't be very hard, I'll see how much of his brain he's using" and reaches down and removes half of the Engineers brain. The Sound Engineer continues "1,2,1,2,1,2" and so God takes half of what remains of the Engineer's brain. Still, the engineer says "1,2,1,2" Even with another half of the brain gone, the Engineer is still saying "1,2,1,2." Finally, God reaches down and removes his brain altogether. The engineer carefully puts down the mic, and starts rigging lights.

 

This is one of my favorite one´s Originally posted HERE

[-=Phantom=-]

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.

 

He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

 

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

 

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence, the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

 

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

 

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

[-=Phantom=-]

USS Enterprise

 

 

 

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of

 

Newfoundland in October 1995.

 

 

 

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

 

 

 

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

 

 

 

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

 

 

 

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

 

 

 

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

 

 

 

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE,THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE

 

DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE

 

YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH - THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH - OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

wait for it ........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[-=Phantom=-]

Aha! Brilliant new adaptation of the stories of the bible in a way that the "modern internet user" will find easy to understand!

 

* Jehova has joined #Eden 

<Jehova> Now, let's make that man. 

* Jehova models some dust and clay 

* Jehova breaths in the nostrils 

<Jehova> That should do the trick 

* Adam has joined #Eden 

<Adam> w00t 

<Jehova> quite 

<Jehova> listen up, adam 

<Jehova> I got some trees up there, and one of them is Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil 

<Jehova> If you eat from that tree, I'll kickban your ass 

<Adam> k, dude, relax 

<Jehova> Almost forgot, I have some companions for you 

* Bunch_of_animals has joined #Eden 

<Bunch_of_animals> Boo, hiss, rattle 

<Adam> Jeez, great 

<Jehova> erm, Adam 

<Jehova> You're not supposed to do that with a chicken 

<Jehova> nm, I'll create another companion for you 

<Jehova> You go to sleep now 

* Adam is now known as Adam|zZz 

* Jehova takes Adam|zZz's rib and builds a woman 

<Jehova> there 

* Eve has joined #Eden 

<Adam|zZz> w00t!!1 

* Adam|zZz is now known as Adam 

<Adam> ASL? 

<Eve> newborn, female, eden! 

<Adam> omg! me too, but male 

<Eve> omfg! you're nekkid! 

<Adam> so what! your too! 

<Eve> lol 

* Jehova sighs 

<Jehova> bbl 

* Jehova has left #Eden 

* Serpent has joined #Eden 

<Serpent> Pssst! he said you can't eat the fruit? 

<Eve> Yeah, so? 

<Serpent> lol, u wont die, eat a fruit! 

* Eve munches 

<Eve> You eat too, Adam, or I won't go down on you 

<Adam> mmm-kay 

* Adam munches 

<Adam> OMFG WERE NEKKID!!!1 

<Eve> NOOO, WTF! 

<Adam> I feel so drrrty 

<Serpent> lmao 

* Jehova has joined #Eden 

<Jehova> what have you done? 

<Eve> it was the serpent! 

<Jehova> Serpent, schmerpent! 

<Adam> really! 

* Jehova sets mode: -v Serpent 

<Jehova> fs 

* Jehova sets mode: +b Adam!*adam@host1.10.1.genesis.com 

* Jehova sets mode: +b Eve!*eve@host1.10.2.genesis.com 

* Adam was kicked by Jehova (Get out!) 

* Eve was kicked by Jehova (Get out!) 

* Jehova changes topic to "and stay out!" 

* Flamingsword has joined #Eden 

* Jehova sets mode: +o Flamingsword 

* Jehova has left IRC (signed off)

 

Joke, hahahah!

[Haytech]

there was once a bear and a frog walking down in a forest. they came across and genie. the genie sed, " i will give you each 3 wishes" so the bear sed for his 1rst wish..."i want to be the most hottest bear in the forest" so the genie sed ok and granted him that wish,then it was the frogs turn, "i want a motor bike helmet" so the genie granted his wish, then for the bears 2nd wish he asked" i wish all the women bears in the forest thought i was the sexiest bear" so the genie granted it. the frog then asked"i want a motor bike" so the genie granted it. the bears last wish was..."i wish i was the sexiest, hottest bear in the whole world and all then women bears loved me!" so the genie granted it. the frogs last wish was" i wish that god damn bear was gay!

[Haytech]

plug :wink:

[K-Nine]

The conductor of a large orchestra wasn't happy with the performance of one of the percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed miserably. So finally, in front of the entire orchestra, he said in a loud voice.

 

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument they take it away from him, give him two sticks and make him a drummer !".

 

First silence and then various mumblings came from the assembled members of the orchestra. Then a voice was heard from the back,

 

"And if he can't handle being a drummer, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor !"

[sam.henderson]

very good!!! I am currently dealing with tone death children and a band so that one made me laugh!

 

Sam

[GLX]

Whats a tone death child?

[sam.henderson]

tone death basically means someone who cant sing or hear musical notes. It is often used to describe someone who is awful at singing!! NOT HELPFUL WHEN PUTTING ON A MUSICAL LOL

 

Sam

[Haytech]

Whats a tone death child?

 

 

tone death basically means someone who cant sing or hear musical notes. It is often used to describe someone who is awful at singing!

 

hopefully you don´t mean "deafly" peple rather than a star sarch casting in the first 2 hours

[K-Nine]

Tone Deafness

 

Tone deafness means that everything sounds exactly the same. You can't tell one note from another, but even worse... you can't even hear the different inflections in someone's voice. It can make communicating difficult just like being color blind can make it hard to follow traffic lights. People make jokes about being tone deaf, but it's really very rare.

 

Not being able to carry a tune in the shower doesn't qualify 8O

[GLX]

You would think that, But there is a lot of muck savages out there.

[K-Nine]

You would think that, But there is a lot of muck savages out there.

 

muck savages - Is this an Irish term :?:

[GLX]

MUCK SAVAGE:

A word used to describe most lead singers,messy punters,people who just get in the way, ya know those last punters who sit under the LX and sound multi during get out.

[-=Phantom=-]

Had to put this one in, found it quite funny:

 

A dinner conversation that took the wrong turn -

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she wear my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "Well, I suppose so."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "s**t..."

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A young farmhand was sent out in a truck to do some repair work on a fence. It should only have taken him an hour and the farmer became concerned when, after two hours, he still hadn't returned. Just then the farmer's mobile phone rang.

"I'm on the way back but I've hit a pig," said the farmhand.

"Don't worry," said the farmer. "These things happen. But drag the carcass of the road so that nobody else hits it."

"But he's not dead. He's kicking and squealing. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me" said the farmhand.

"Ok then," replied the farmer. "There's a shotgun in the back of the truck. Fetch that, shoot the pig and drag the carcass of the road."

Half an hour later, the farmer's phone rang again.

"I'm still stuck", said the farmhand.

"Why?" asked the farmer. "Did the shoot the pig and drag the carcass off the road like I said?"

"Yeah, I did, but his motorbike is still jammed under the truck!"

[-=Phantom=-]

Stop me if you've heard this...

 

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way. My friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

 

 

 

The moral of this story is:

 

Always keep your condoms in your car.