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K-Nine

Understanding Engineers

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Engineers are a funny species ...

 

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said to the other

"Where did you get such a great bike?"

 

The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,

"Take what you want."

 

The first engineer nodded approvingly,

"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."

***********************************************************

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers

ahead of them on the golf course.

The engineer fumed "What's with these guys ? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor added, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude".

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "I'll contact my optician friend and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

***********************************************************

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem

they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work.

Finally, in desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge and spent a day studying the huge machine.

At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated,

"This is where your problem is".

 

The part was duly replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $1

Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

***********************************************************

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

***********************************************************

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and the mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both." The other two said, "Both?"

"Yeah", said the engineer.

"If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman,

and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

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To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be !

**********************************************************

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons.

Civil Engineers build targets.

***********************************************************

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost to make it work?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

***********************************************************

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

 

Hmm, not sure the last one applies to engineers, sounds more like the sales guys or users to me :twisted: :D

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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.

 

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

 

The frog spoke up again and said,

"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

 

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

 

The frog then cried out,

"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

 

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

 

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

 

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." 8)

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After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics any problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.

 

They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

 

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

 

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

 

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

 

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

 

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Number 3 engine found on right wing after a brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly straight, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with the correct words.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

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